Eavesdropping
by linkpika
Summary: Poor Jasper is about to find out that things aren't always what they seem. Especially if your listening in to your niece and a werewolf thats imprinted on her. 376 percent crack.


Jacob came over a bit more than I was comfortable with. I guess it was all right though. He cared about Renesmee about as much as the whole family did. So I guess it was fine. She liked him anyway and it would have been cruel to stop his visits.

Every now and then, Bella and Edward, and anyone else that lived in this house would be busy, and I'd be babysitting Renesmee. Not that I minded of course. She was a sweet girl and it was always fun to see what she would do next. Except she was seven years old now. She had the maturity and image of a seventeen year old girl. It was hard to believe my little niece had grown up so fast. I really as proud of her though. She never went to crazy parties or did something most teenagers did. It was a relief to know I would never have to discipline her so harshly about the…things.

Today, the whole Cullens went out hunting again and who to was left to take care of little Nessie? Uncle Jazzy will! I rolled my eyes involuntarily and settled closer to the couch. Of course the only reason I watched her so much was because Emmett, no matter how much of a great Uncle he was, always managed to lose Renesmee by the end of the day. It was ridiculous. I remember one time Edward and I had come home after hunting and found Emmett searching the house frantically. Turns out, he got so focuses on his new Wii game thing, he completely forgot about Nessie.

I had never seen Edward so angry.

He chased Emmett throughout the house, before finally I convinced to actually look for the missing little girl. Turns out, she was in kitchen cabinet playing with her dolls. How Emmett had missed her was beyond my understanding. Afterwards it was all, Jasper you take care of her.

Where was I again? Oh yah, Nessie. Anyway, every time Jacob visits, I always get a bit tense. I mean he god damn imprinted on her! How am I supposed to handle a boy who was physically attracted to my little niece?

It was actually the fact though, that it was the first time I had let Nessie and him completely alone without eavesdropping. It was only after I had finished another one of my endless books on the shelf before I heard it.

The grunting and loud shuffling. I zoned in on it and heard a stressed out, "So close!"

I froze and leaned closer to the voices. I then heard Renesmee's voice. "Jacob, it's too big! How am I supposed to get _this _inside that thing." Her voice was irritated and yet eager at the same time.

My Nessie wanting to do this? What the heck was going on? A part of me wanted to run into that room and stop whatever that dog was going to my girl, and still I was frozen with the prospect that it was finally happening.

"It has to fit Nessie. That's what it was made for."

I heard her give a little grunt and huffed, "Let me take control, Jake. I'm sure I can do this."

"How about we get a little gentler?" Jacob suggested. "After all, it might break if you force it too hard. Especially if it's the only one available for you."

"Jake!" I heard Nessie cry out in frustration. "I've already done it with my left hand and right. What do you want me to try next? With my mouth?"

Jacob chuckled. "Knock yourself out kid, maybe you'll have some good luck after that."

No. No. No. This was not supposed to be happening. God damn it. That little prick wants to have my little niece? Why the hell wasn't I doing anything?

Suddenly Jacob and Nessie moaned and I froze. "So close," Jacob griped. "We made a little progress with your mouth though, of all things."

"I've wanted to this ever since I was a kid," Nessie snapped. "This is my first time and I don't want to mess this up."

"Have you ever thought about trying it with someone else?"

"I did once with this other guy, but this is even more special."

My jaw dropped and I almost wanted to cry out in horror. Why would my little Nessie want this? And when she was a kid of all things.

Jacob grunted. "I think I got it in."

There was a silence and suddenly they both screamed with delight. "Yes!"

Oh no. Nessie just lost her virginity to the dog. Damn it, why didn't I do anything sooner? There was even a chance she could have been pregnant. Not to mention the fact that a half human and werewolf doing it was never heard of. Maybe they used condoms? Suddenly, I lost control and barged into the room they were in.

"YOU TWO WILL STOP DOING IT RIGHT NOW IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"

They both looked at me in confusion. Nessie and Jake were in the bed, but they were fully clothed. In fact they were just watching television.

My face turned blank. "What are you two doing?"

"Watching television," Nessie answered innocently. There's this special movie coming and I'm excited to finally see it."

I blinked. "But what was all that shoving and yelling?"

"The batteries wouldn't fit in the remote," she replied. "In fact the only thing that made it budge was prying it in with my teeth. Isn't that ridiculous?"

Her eyes danced merrily and I knew in that second, Jacob and her hadn't done the unspeakable thing.

Jacob glanced at me and surprisingly, a grin formed onto his face. "You shouldn't always assume things, Jazzy." He laughed out loud, and even though it was impossible, I felt my face heat up.

Nessie turned her head towards me and cocked her head. "What did you think was happening?"

I dropped my head to face the floor. "Nothing," I muttered quietly.

Jacob smiled at Nessie and winked. "Let's just say, Uncle Jazzy over there thought we were getting a bit…hot up here." He guffawed loudly, leaving her even more confused.

Later on during the evening, Bella came home and greeted me. "Hey Jasper. How was Nessie?"

I scowled and gave a little puff of air out my nose. "Let Emmett babysit her from now on," I grumbled. "I hope he'll be better at what I…experienced today."

**A/N: Haha. That idea was stuck in my mind. Poor Jasper though. XD Review lots people. This is definitely one of the most fulfilled crack stories I've written yet. Bye!**


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